Introduction

I'm a 29-year-old white middle class female...was raised Roman Catholic, receiving the sacraments of baptism, first communion, reconciliation, confirmation, and marriage in the Church. I have been married for 7 years to a wonderful non-believer who will never change me. I spent a year teaching CCD to 5th graders, had volunteered each year at my Church's annual fundraising sale, donated to the local Catholic Mission (which I still do), pray daily (still do), attend mass weekly and -- to much scandal-- have offered up hours of excruciating pain as a sin offering when I chose to have large cross surrounded by the rosary tattooed on my back and the words "Lord, I am not worthy to receive You, but only say the word and I shall be healed." written in Old English below it.

I am a well-educated artist and am of the democratic liberal mind-set. My parents love me so much - and I know that God loves MORE THAN THEY DO. God is love, not the guilt-bestowing, spoiled-child, game-playing God often written about in the Old Testament. This same smoting, angry, never-to-be-pleased finger-shaking God is the portrait the Church paints for parishoners to tremble in the shadow of. The Church peddles the everlasting guilt of never attaining perfection and always reminds you (in no uncertain terms) that you are not good enough.

I don't place judgment on homosexuals. God loves them, too, so shall I. I am against abortion but not to the militant degree most Catholics are. I believe there are exceptions and each case should be treated individually, but I do not think it should be 100% banned. I am against the death penalty, the war in Iraq, and fundamentalism. I believe in the fact of evolution within the bounds of God's creation as well as science. I believe in tolerance and love of all people and races and creeds. I think the Pope IS NOT infallible. He is a human being put in the position he is in by other men. He might be a leader of many, but he is flesh and blood like the rest of us, prone to disease, decay, sinful thoughts, the whole nine yards.

When I married in the Church in 2000, I was asked that if I have any children that I raise them Catholic - and even had to sign something. I agreed that I would. If I had them. At the time I was on the fence. But, since I was a teenager I never wanted children and gave it time thinking I might change my mind...but throughout the past 15 years or so I never developed that natural urge or motherly wanton for children. This past year my decision has been solidified to NOT have children and I am happy with that decision. My husband feels the same way but in no way influenced my individual decision. Because I know myself, I can't work the role of "mom" into my self-concept. I am happy creating my art and spending my free time using the gifts and talents God has given me. In my heart of hearts I know I was put here to do more than procreate.

Why would the nature which God has bestowed upon me be wrong? I e-mailed the question of whether or not my decision is seen as a sin to one of the EWTN priests. He came back with a round-about 'yes', that your reasons to not have children have to be "serious". As a semi-feminist-slowly-turning-into-a-full-blown-feminist I can say that I am more than my biological function to procreate.

Another ex-seminarian still active in the Church replied to my same issue with "The Church's response would be that if one doesn't want to have children, one should not marry or have sex." He went on to say that "you will have to make peace with the fact that the way you have chosen to live will not likely be supported by any priests in the Catholic Church."

Another online forum Catholic priest suggested that my marriage was invalid to begin with if I married knowing that I might not want children. "Be fruitful and multiply" was thrown at me several times, never with the thought that this passage may have been more of a blessing that a command to breed. That same priest even suggested anullment.

My parish priest came back with a more intelligently outlined response, but the answer boiled down to the same misogynistic dogma.

I have a mind to use and make the world a better place. The Church's stance is that marriage is the foundation for procreation, but would it have been better for me not to marry and just "live in sin" with my significant other? I can't win and am very disappointed that there is not a broader scope of acceptance in the Church - I'm enriching the lives of my nieces and nephews. Isn't that enough? I know that I am not destined to populate the earth with more Catholics. I also believe women should be allowed to be priests. What, the lack of penis means lack of piety? The Church refuses to grow and turn a half a degree to catch up with the year 2007, where men and women should be equal.

I cannot feel guilty about this decision and will not self-destruct and go against my instincts in order to appease a celibate, male-dominated papacy. I cannot find support for my choice in the Church, and am chastised, disinherited because of this choice -- which hurts no one, mind you. I was judged by my own Church.

I believe God feels differently, though. God and the Church are two different things not to be confused with one another. Many people take them as being one in the same. Not I. I left and took the truth in Spirit with me.